Adventures in fisting

you only get to flunk out of college once

INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM, DAY.

In a bustling lunchroom we notice a table of goofy freshmen. WILLIAMS, CRAIG, MATT, and LEAVES crack jokes as they eat the sandwiches their mothers’ made for them.

WILLIAMS
So this girl was all over me, we’re talking Cindy Thompson all over me. And so I said, “Look, we both know where this’s going; do you have a condom or should I get one from my bunk chaperone?”

MATT
Bullshit. Williams, you’re obviously gay. No girl would fuck you.

WILLIAMS
That’s not what your sister said, bitch.

The group roars with a resounding “ohhhhhhh!”

WILLIAMS (CONT’D)
Anyway, that was a crazy night.

CRAIG
(beat) That’s it? What happened? Your stories always suck--

LEAVES
Guys.

CRAIG
(to the group) Remember when Williams told us he jerked off in the bathroom, what a liar.

WILLIAMS
Hey that was true!

LEAVES
Guys....Guys!....Hey guys!! (quietly) I’m gonna start a food fight.

MATT
What?

LEAVES
I am going to start a food fight. Right now.

CRAIG
I’m in.

MATT
Are you serious. Dude, I don’t know about right now.

WILLIAMS
We got your back, do it.
T
HE WHOLE TABLE
(softly chanting)
Leaves, leaves, leaves.

Leaves makes eye contact with three other combatants embedded throughout the lunchroom (nods to them) and then dramatically grabs an orange and pivots to a standing position as he launches the projectile across the aisle. (Coming to a crescendo is “Guerrilla Radio” by Rage Against the Machine.)

LEAVES
Food fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His throw nails an unsuspecting student holding a tray of food in the forehead. The music stops. Everyone stares. The victim of the attack burrows his brow in confusion. Leaves looks around, stunned at his own idiocy, and sits down.

MATT
(with much thought and deliberation, leans over and whispers)
Douche bag.

Opening montage.

QUESTION

Is it right to use the same razor on your face that you use on your ass?

sub question

Is it right to shave your ass in the bathroom at Wendy's?

SUB sub question

Why do gludeious maximus shavings taste like celery?

SUB SUB sub question

Will this stupid post ever end?

answer: yes.

A SCENE THAT IS A "WORK IN PROGRESS"



INT. Press Conference, 1781, England

A crowd of REPORTERS in colonial garb surround a podium made of logs. The reporters each have large pieces of paper, quill pens, and jars of ink. A royal looking fellow, WILLIAM HERSCHEL, approaches the podium and the chatter of room noise silences.

WILLIAM
Good eve gentlemen. My God given name is William Herschel, and I come to tell of a newly discovered planet. A fortnight ago I gazed at the stars and noticed an indigo and green sphere just beyond Saturn. After research, I realized that the planet had not yet been scientifically charted or named for that matter. Therefore, on this day, April 1st, 1781, I hereby name the seventh planet from the sun “Uranus.”

Crowd of reporters burst for questions.

REPORTER #1
Lord Herschel!! George Hunt, Liverpool Gazette. Can you tell us anything more about Uranus?

WILLIAM
Well, I suspect it is uninhabitable because toxic gas surrounds it.

Reporters laugh.

REPORTER #2
Willfred Calloway, London Observer. How would you describe the topography of Uranus? Mountainous? Cavernous? Dare I say hairy??

WILLIAM
I haven’t the faintest idea, Mr. Calloway, but all my reports indicate that Uranus has a huge canyon separating the it into two distinctive planes.

HERE IS A SCENE I JUST WROTE. IT IS DEDICATED TO MY DISFIGURED PENIS.

INT. Doctor’s Office

A Husband (BOB) and wife (MARY) happily walk in with their new born BABY. Bob holds the baby tightly to his chest.

BOB
(to the baby)
...and this is the room where they circumcise babies, like you!

Baby cries uncontrollably.

MARY
(to baby)
Haha, don’t worry honey, it’ll be fine. The doctor is specially trained and you’ll be OK.

BOB
Mary, he has a right to be scared. I swear the guy who circumcised me must have been Stevie Wonder.

Mary
Bob, not in front of the baby. (To baby) The Doctor is super, you are in good hands.

Enter DOCTOR wearing dark sunglasses and lab coat. He uses a white cane to guide his footsteps. He is obviously BLIND.

DOCTOR
(not looking directly at the family)
Hi, I’m Doctor Ginsu. Don’t worry this is going to be quick and easy. My hands are steadier than a statue. (Grabs skeleton model and begins to point all over its body, head, arms, chest)
We will make one incision here, loosening the foreskin so it burrows down your child’s shaft.

Bob looks on in shock and disbelief.

BOB
Doctor, are you.......blind?

Doctor
(proudly)
In fact, I am, but I am perfectly capable of circumcising your son.

MARY
(to baby)
You see Rodney, nothing to fear.


BOB
Mary, he’s blind! Don’t let him touch our child’s penis with a sharp object! He can’t see.

MARY
Just go ahead doctor, my husband’s just a little protective of our baby boy.

DOCTOR
(Digs through Samurai swords, machetes, and emerges with a tiny scalpel)
Ok, in a second I’m going to-----

Doctor seizes, begins shaking violently and falls to the ground. Then he “shakes it off” and gets up.

Sorry, I have a mild case of epilepsy. It acts up like an allergy. Do you have a cat?

BOB
(confused)
What?.....I mean, wait a minute! You are blind and epileptic?
DOCTOR
Yeah, so? It’s the pollen in the air.

BOB
What medical school did you go to?

DOCTOR
Rodriguez

MARY
Rodriguez Night School?

DOCTOR
Yep!

BOB
I’ve seen the ads on TV. That’s veterinary school!

DOCTOR
Don’t worry I’m a trained professional. (Doctor points at a jar) Look at all those foreskins. Those are remnants of satisfied customers.

Doctor seizes AGAIN and knocks jar into the air. Mary dramatically catches the jar of cut foreskins.


BOB
Who keeps a jar of baby’s foreskins?

MARY
Your grandfather?

BOB
Bitch, shut up!

Doctor comes out of seizure.

DOCTOR
I apologize, that was completely unprofessional of me. Now (shaking head), where are your first born child’s genitals?

MARY
(leering at jar)
My GOD, I think your grandpa’s lost foreskin is in here.

BOB
Really?

MARY
(stone cold)
No you bastard, he’s uncircumcised! (Beat) (turns to doctor) Look, I’m not so sure about this. Maybe we should come back later when you’re not....uh...not disabled.

Doctor violently grabs back the foreskin jar. A few foreskins fly out and hit Mary in the face.

DOCTOR
I’ll tell you what. You try and guess how many foreskins are in here. Closest without going over can keep the jar, and I’ll guillotine your son’s pecker for free.

BOB
That’s enough. When did you start practicing medicine?

Doctor
1975

Bob
Were you on circumcision duty on May 8th of that year?

Doctor
Come to think of it, yes. Ooh, I remember you. You cried a lot.

Bob
You butchered me, and now you’ll butcher my son!
Doctor
It was my first job, I just inscribed my initials in Braille while I was down there.

An all out brawl ensues. Somehow the baby gets the scalpel in his hands and circumcises himself (perfectly) while the adults fight.

V/O
And so it went on that fateful day. Someone finally stood up to the blind and heavily epileptic Doctor Ginsu, and a baby took matters into his own hands. Join us next week for more “Tales from the Circumcision Room,” goodnight.

Super-imposed “Tales from the Circumcision Room” appears during Voice Over

Fade it black.

i apologize, i was sadly intoxicated and listening to "the sounds of silence" the last time i posted.

RIMSROPPTS FELL EGO WITH WILLS OF PIOUS. AND SONG WHASHED OUT UTS WARING THAE ITS FORMING. SOOOONDLS OF SILENCA.

An exerpt from my novel

......."Who likes asshole?" the barber said, but it was too late. The racoon had disappeared, and his scissors were gone. "Oh shit," he whispered to himself, "I guess its just me and you Kimy." Oh, the hours, the hours, the minutes, but always the nipples.

R. I. P. Kimy L. Daughtlen 1939-1987

THE END

GO TO MY FUCKING MESSAGE BOARD AND SAY SOMETHING.

Visit My Message Board

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These are keywords to fuck with people searching on GOOGLE. They search these phrases, but they get this site. i love the internet.


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"NOW thats what i call music"

charity

Shlepple

Go here for comedy

http://www.harvardlampoon.com/comedy/new/confuse.htm

This is called poetry

Simon and Garfunkel
"America"

"Let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together"
"I've got some real estate here in my bag"
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies
And we walked off to look for America

"Kathy," I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
"Michigan seems like a dream to me now"
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've gone to look for America

Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said "Be careful his bowtie is really a camera"

"Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat"
"We smoked the last one an hour ago"
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They've all gone to look for America
All gone to look for America
All gone to look for America

Quote of the Day

Sex just isnt the same when the girl isnt paying attention, and you're beating-off outside her dorm window.
-Condoleza Rice..........United States National Security Advisor

Thought of the Day

If a monkey asks to eat your ass, just let him or her do it because when else are you gonna get a monkey rim job.


Banana anyone?

JUST GOT BACK FROM THE HEALTH CLINIC

I went to the doctor and told him i had a lump on my penis. He proceed to check my penis and testicles for cancer. "Hmm," he muttered "i dont feel anything." "Lower" i said, "no higher" i whispered. then he gave up and said i'll probably be OK. HAHAHA, joke's on you doctor, i dont even have a lump!

When the doctor asks you the gender of your last hookup, don't respond, "male.....nooo! female!"
Cause then the doctor sarcasically says, "whatever, son." and you feel really weird when he's feeling your genitals for lumps.

Key Points of the evening

Setting: Denny's
Players: 4 people, one blowup doll
Waiter: Manny
Food: greasy, but good
Patrons: confused
Penii: aroused
Stomachs: full
Jokes: plentiful
Babies: staring

Thats how the evening went, and i dont think my anus will ever go back to its normal size. Right Manny?

You will never hear a man tell an attractive woman, "sorry I don't have sex on the first date."
-my grandmother

Go here for anal sex.


http://www.chriswarnerforsenate.com/Start/

For those of you who have only read about MARDI GRAS in books, here is a real account.

Mardi Gras


Stumbling and drooling you fall towards the piss and beer soaked gutter of Bourbon Street. Breaking your fall are the augmented and exposed breasts of a woman old enough be your grandmother. This festively painted bosom acts as a New Orleans air bag as you plummet to the ground in a graceful move natives call “passing out.” Mardi Gras 2003: A SUCCESS.

Columbus resident Jake Homely explains his first Mardi Gras experience while stuck in traffic on Ash Wednesday morning. “Raped, ashamed, and hung over, I begin the long drive back to Ohio wondering how much it will cost to remove the silver stud off my urethra. My friends in the church group are never gonna believe this.”

The festivities offer a safe haven for underage drinking, cross dressing, and child exploitation. That’s right, you see some demented parents actually use their small children to get more beads. The unwilling and ignorant accomplices are dangerously hoisted onto tall ladders to appeal to the parade thrower’s drunken sense of parenthood. This tactic works surprisingly well because “the little kids are just so damn cute” according to Jack Mahoney, member of the Bacchus float shaped like a dildo.

In New Orleans, thanks to clever planning from Spanish and French architects, overaged men can hang from multi-story balconies getting power trips as they beg under-aged girls to show their breasts. From these positions of impunity, it’s not uncommon to hear the command, “Show your tits!” And from the ground level, it’s not uncommon to hear the response, “Fuck you grandpa!”

Later a man calling himself "Lord Wanghole" declares his love for anal sex while he urinates in a small child's bag of beads. I see him, intoxicated far beyond the bounds of reason, I smell the New Orleans excrement ambrosia, and I marvel at the diameter of that old woman's nipples. I am at Mardi Gras. I am home.

do yourself a favor. go here.

http://homepages.bw.edu/~nwilder/www/50_things_guys_wish_girls_knew.htm

PORNO PIRACY

Everyone's bitchin about Kazaa and kids stealing music, but no one seems to care about kids stealing porno. You know why? Because even the people in porn respect the fact that kids need free access to pornography. Truly what is the internet without pornography? NOTHING. Thank you, thank you suppliers of internet porn----you are Good Samaritans.

The Ghost of Rosanne's Dildo. Episode 37: "A Penny Saved"


....and as I clenched the spiked creature, I was overcome with joy. For the first time in my mundane, suburban life, I was happy. No bully could touch me because I had found the Holy Grail of Stimulation------ The Dildo that called Rosanne's vagina home. But there was something more to this story than lubricated vibration. Beneath the sequins, under the pubes, beyond the metallic spikes there was a story to be heard. The following is slimy "Vasco da Gama's" story, told through his own, trembling words.


Vasco da Gama So you want to hear, just like all the other reporters, "what was it like in there?"
Dark Side of the Poon Please, just tell us what happened, in your own words.
VdG Very well, it began on a small ocean frigate in the Atlantic Ocean. Back then I was only a lump of raw prosthetic material, but like a veritable Horatio Alger, i was chasing the American dream. I knew i could find my niche in the new world. Little did i know it would be in Rosanne's wishing well.
DSotM Hahaha
VdG What?
DSotM Nothing. (chuckle) Continue, please.
VdG Anyway, I made my way to Pittsburg hitch-hiking with my friends determination and hope. After spending my first night in an alley in Chinatown, I decided to follow-up on a personal ad that read, "Open Auditions for the musical 'The Lion King.'" Needless to say i didnt get the part, but i did meet a dildo maker the next evening. He assured me there was big money in the prosthetic penis industry if i was willing to commit to the clientel.
DDotM So you knew then and there you wanted to become a fake penis that women pleasure themselves with when their husbands are sleeping or bar-b-que ing.
VdG Yes.
DSotM So then Rosanne bought you?
VdG No. Acually Tom Arnold bought me. I was sitting on the display case in Jack's Pawn and Liquor when in walked Tom Arnold. I dont have to tell you how excited i was, so i perked up and showed my best colors. And like a dream he bought me along with a fake Rolex and a fifth of Taaka. The next thing i knew i was in the family.
DSotM Did Tom ever use you?
VdG Haha, no thanks I'm not thirsty.
DSotM Did You penetrate Tom Arnold?
VdG What?
DSotM Did Tom use you?
VdG Why are.... wha, i mean no.
DSotM Seriously, we dont mind. what really happened?
VdG Nothing, never, new question.
DSotM So did Tom's ass stink?
VdG yes.......... i mean NO NO it didnt, i mean i wouldnt know.
DSotM Alright, whatever. what about Rosanne.
VdG I'm not gay!
DSotM Rosanne-
VdG I didnt want to do Tom, but he just grabbed me and turned me on........FIGURTIVELY!
DSotM OK, and about Rosanne
VdG But in some way i guess it felt natural. like when your drama teacher jacks you off after the first dress rehersal, you know.
DSotM Right, we understand. Rosanne- was she-
VdG And I LIKED IT!


Epilogue
Vasco da Gama lives with a blowup doll named Debbie in Issaquah, Washington across the street from the Duracell factory.

You are the chosen, and i the pop tart of science. A ninja of goodwill and hospitality, I will lie, cheat, and steal in the name of Jockey's underwear (you!).

Welcome. I am he who is he. Join me for fun, excitement, and arousal. I will be your guide. I ask only in return that you douche proudly, and often.