Monday, February 02, 2004
The P. and his J.
BY: J-Pook
SCENE ONE.
A quiet and barren room in Vatican City. UP STAGE LEFT, CARDINAL NIPPLETAP and CARDINAL RODRIGUEZ anxiously sit at a roundtable. They are dressed in black cassets with red zucchettos (yarmulkes). A red gift bag lies at the feet of CARDINAL NIPPLETAP.
The men are high ranking members of the Catholic Church, yet something is not quite right. RODRIGUEZ seems legit- he’s an austere and well-kempt man. He speaks in a reserved, dorky manner. However, NIPPLETAP is scruffy and fashions a pony-tail. He looks more like a bookie than a man of religious life.
(NIPPLETAP and RODRIGUEZ lean towards each other and whisper. They are scheming. Then POPE BOB ENTERS from STAGE RIGHT. He walks briskly towards the two men. He takes off his bed cap and puts on his tall, white Mitre. He is wearing a white robe with a golden stole. The CARDINALS stand at attention.)
POPE
Cardinal Rodriguez, Cardinal Nippletap, what couldn’t wait til morning? What is it Guatemalan Stigmata? Crying Crucifix? Don’t tell me we got another goddamn pedophile!
NIPPLETAP
Actually, your holiness, its about Father Daniels.
POPE
Daniels? Daniels? What province?
RODRIGUEZ
(jokingly) I believe Tennessee.
NIPPLETAP
I’m sure you know him, Father Jack Daniels!!
(NIPPLETAP pulls a fifth of Jack Daniels out of his red bag.)
BOTH CARDINALS
Surprise!!
RODRIGUEZ
Happy Birthday Pope Bob!
(The Cardinals stand up and clap. POPE BOB sternly leers at the Cardinals for a few beats and then breaks into laughter.)
POPE
HO-LY SHIT! You guys are the best Cardinals a Pope could ask for. How’d you find out my birthday? No one is Vatican City knows.
NIPPLETAP
You posted it on your IM profile, Dude.
(a beat)
SexyPope 69.
POPE
Busted!! (Raising his hands in the air)
(He opens the fifth and NIPPLETAP puts some shot glasses on the table.)
POPE (CONT’D)
So what’s the game? Asshole? Kings? Or should we play “Judas, Jesus, or Draw?”
NIPPLETAP
I say we start off with a shot, you know, for the Holy Ghost.
RODRIGUEZ
I know we’re drinking, but do we have to be sacrilegious? Forgive him, Pope Bob. You know Cardinal Nippletap says things he doesn’t mean.
POPE
Rodriguez! Can it. Lets make it a double. The Pope wants to get drunk on his birthday.
(NIPPLETAP quickly pours the shots and they walk to CENTER STAGE with their shots. POPE BOB holds two shots. They raise their shot glasses.)
NIPPLETAP
To the Holy Ghost, may he be as spooky as ever.
POPE
Amen, to the Hooooooooly Ghost. Ooooh!
RODRIGUEZ
Forgive me, Father. To the Holy Ghost!
ALL
The Holy Ghost!
(They drink. The POPE and NIPPLETAP high-five. RODRIGUEZ coughs and gags.)
NIPPLETAP
Alright you two. Enough pregame. We’re gonna play a round of ABC Bible. P. B., you pick the letter.
(The MEN walk back to the TABLE, and NIPPLETAP pours everyone a drink.)
POPE
(slowly, deliberately) E. The letter is E, therefore, the book of the Bible you say must start with the letter E. The order is Me, Nippletap, then Rodriguez. Loser chugs the Jack for five seconds.
NIPPLETAP
Understood?
RODRIGUEZ
I don’t know about this.
NIPPLETAP
Go.
POPE
Exodus.
NIPPLETAP
Ezekiel.
RODRIGUEZ
(with hesitation) Ecclesiastes.
POPE
Ephesians.
NIPPLETAP
(to RODRIGUEZ) Esther.
RODRIGUEZ
Ummmm, uhhhhhhhhh.
POPE AND NIPPLETAP
Ooooooooooh!
POPE
Drink! Drink! You gotta down that Jack!
(POPE puts the fifth in front of RODRIGUEZ. POPE and NIPPLETAP down their SHOTS. RODRIGUEZ stares at the fifth.)
RODRIGUEZ
I won’t do it. There weren’t any books left in the Bible that started with E, it’s not fair.
POPE
Yes there were.
RODRIGUEZ
No there weren’t.
POPE
Yes there were, and guess what? Even if there weren’t.........I’m infallible, Hahaha, drink up!
(POPE and NIPPLETAP high five.)
RODRIGUEZ
Please guys, isn’t there something else I can do for losing. C’mon, I’ll do anything, anything, please. I have to do seven A.M. mass tomorrow.
(POPE and NIPPLETAP look at each other. They whisper quickly and then re-emerge. Right as the POPE is about to address RODRIGUEZ, NIPPLETAP grabs his arm and whispers more into his ear. The POPE smiles and turns towards RODRIGUEZ)
POPE
So you won’t drink that Jack? And you want us to forgive you for breaking the rules of the game?
RODRIGUEZ
Please, Your Holiness, I’ll do anything. I just don’t want to drink this liquor.
(NIPPLETAP nudges and nods to the POPE.)
POPE
Fair enough, we can forgive and bargain.(a beat)You’re going to prank call the Dalai Lama.
Fade to black.
SCENE TWO
The LIGHTS come up. STAGE LEFT, in a new room of the Vatican, RODRIGUEZ holds a PHONE to his ear. The CORD leads to a STOOL next to him in which the BASE of the PHONE rests and a bowl of COMMUNION sits. POPE and NIPPLETAP hover around RODRIGUEZ and hang on his every word. Both men are noticeably more inebriated and the JACK DANIELS is dwindling.
RODRIGUEZ
(into phone) No Sir, this is not a joke. They just freed Tibet.
(POPE and NIPPLETAP giggle uncontrollably.)
POPE
(to RODRIGUEZ, whispered) Give me the phone.
RODRIGUEZ quietly hands him the PHONE.
POPE
(into phone) Hey, Dalai.....this is the newly appointed Gay Episcopalian Bishop.
(He covers the PHONE while he tries to compose himself from giddy laughter.)
POPE (CONT’D)
Seriously, I just saw it on T.V., Tibet is free. (a beat) Did I mention I was the newly appointed Gay Episcopalian Bishop?
(POPE begins laughing voraciously and hangs up the phone. )
POPE (CONT’D)
(slowly) Nippletap, tell me you still have Castro’s number.
Everyone has a good laugh, even RODRIGUEZ. NIPPLETAP takes another big swig of a nearly finished fifth.
OFF-STAGE RIGHT the voice of SISTER TATTLE can be heard right getting louder and louder.
SISTER (O.S.)
Hello? Is someone awake? Hello.
(SISTER TATTLE enters STAGE RIGHT scouring the room with a FLASHLIGHT.)
SISTER (CONT’D)
It’s Sister Tattle. Is anyone there???
(They MEN frantically hide their shot glasses and the booze. POPE BOB grabs the BOWL OF COMMUNION from the STOOL and holds it casually.
POPE
Dear Sister Tattle. Over here.
(SISTER TATTLE shines the FLASHLIGHT on POPE BOB and the BOYS. She is suddenly embarrassed.)
SISTER
Oh, your Holiness, I am so sorry to disturb you. I thought a thief of some sort had entered because there was all this racket, and then I heard someone scream in a blood curdling voice “Holy Ghost.” ( a beat) Cardinal Rodriguez, Cardinal Nipple--tap. What are you doing up so late?
(THE THREE MEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER.)
NIPPLETAP
Weee-
POPE
We all had the munchies.
SISTER
Munchies?
RODRIGUEZ
Yes Ma’am, Sister Tattle we were starving.
(NIPPLETAP nods.)
NIPPLETAP
Very hungry.
SISTER
Mmm, me too, actually. What have you got to eat?
(The three MEN confusingly look at each other AGAIN.)
POPE
Jesus. We were just eating Jesus.
POPE BOB grabs a HANDFUL of COMMUNION and shoves it into his MOUTH. He widens his EYES and nods to the CARDINALS. They quickly grabs some COMMUNION and shove it in their mouths.
SISTER
(Horrified) Your Holiness, is it right to “snack” on the Bread that transubstantiates into the body of Christ?
RODRIGUEZ
(Unconvincingly) Well, in some instances; those of extreme hunger or necessity, it would be OK.
POPE
Actually these are already blessed, so they’re no longer bread, but now.........Jesus. So, it must be OK to eat Jesus because...Uhhh, Um-
NIPPLETAP
Hey, does that shadow look like the Virgin Mary to you?
(NIPPLETAP points to STAGE RIGHT. SISTER TATTLE swivels around to investigate. NIPPLETAP takes of swig of JACK and passes the fifth to POPE BOB who takes a quick sip as well.)
SISTER
Where? Which one? Which shadow?
NIPPLETAP
Whooops, it’s gone now.. Well, good night Sister Tattle.
SISTER
(Extremely confused) Have a pleasant night gentlemen.
(EXIT SISTER TATTLE STAGE RIGHT.)
The MEN bring the glasses and fifth out of hiding.
NIPPLETAP
Nice save, Pope Bob.
POPE BOB grabs another handful of CHRIST.
POPE
No problem, couldn’t let the party end early. Ya know they call her Sister Tattle-Tail for a reason. Last summer she reported to the Vatican Council that I pissed all over the toilet seat at St. Peter’s Basilica.
RODRIGUEZ
(a little agitated) So you’re the one.
POPE
Hahaha.
(NIPPLETAP take another long sip of BOOZE.)
NIPPLETAP
Pope Bob, I think I just got an idea. You said we were eating Jesus, right?
RODRIGUEZ
Blessed Eucharist is Jesus, Cardinal. What kind of a question is that?
NIPPLETAP
(to Rodriguez) Shut up, Rodney.
POPE
Yes, we as Catholics believe that when bread is blessed it becomes the body of Christ and when wine is blessed it becomes the blood of Christ. What is your point, Nippletap?
NIPPLETAP
(preaching to the POPE who sips intermittently from the fifth) You’re always talking about how we’re losing members of the Church because people see us as a boring religion. Why are we boring and archaic? Because nothing new has happened in the last two thousand years. We just sit around idly waiting for Jesus’s second coming, right? Well what if we take the initiative for once and help God out. What’s stopping us from getting a bunch of bread and wine together, blessing it, and using it to build Jesus. Everyone in the world will believe and convert if they see the second coming with their own eyes. I mean, we’ve got his body and blood, it shouldn’t be too hard to put the pieces together and build a huge Jesus.
RODRIGUEZ
How drunk are you?
POPE
(finishing a long gulp) Rodriguez, hold on. He might be on to something.
RODRIGUEZ
You aren’t seriously considering this?
POPE
(slurring) Well, Nippletap could be a visionary. I had a dream about the second coming last night. This can’t be a coincidence.
RODRIGUEZ
OK, you guys have fun. I’m going to sleep.
He begins to walk away from the POPE and NIPPLETAP.
RODRIGUEZ (CONT’D)
Haha, building Jesus out of body and blood. I’ve had enough sacrilege for one night.
EXIT RODRIGUEZ STAGE RIGHT
POPE
So how do we do it?
The POPE grabs a wafer of COMMUNION and quickly eats it.
NIPPLETAP
Alright, St. Peter’s Basilica has a full cache of bread and wine for tomorrow’s Jubilee services. They’re expecting a quarter of a million people. With that much body we could make a Jesus over a hundred feet tall by sun-up.
POPE
Let’s get to work. I’ll get more booze.
Fade to Black.
SCENE THREE
The LIGHTS come up. RODRIGUEZ is standing in behind an altar UP STAGE CENTER. He is saying mass. A rooster is heard crowing O.S.
RODRIGUEZ
(raising both arms) For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered died and was buried. On the third day he rose again in the fulfillment of the scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
(Booming footsteps suddenly get louder and louder DOWN STAGE.)
RODRIGUEZ
(shaken up, looking around for the origin of the noise) He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end.
(RODRIGUEZ turns around and looks up to see a Jesus 100 feet tall. The huge creature has a deep and awe-inspiring voice.)
JESUS #2
Rodriguez!
RODRIGUEZ
(cowering) Oh, Lord. Jesus Christ.
(turning towards the congregation, trying to be brave)
RODREGUIZ (CONT’D)
We have nothing to fear.
(to Jesus #2)
RODREGUIZ (CONT’D)
Preach to us, give us your will.
(a beat)
JESUS #2
(in a booming voice) Remember when I said ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?’
RODRIGUEZ
Yes, Lord we do.
JESUS #2
Well stop fucking eating me!!
RODRIGUEZ
Ahhh!!
(RODRIGUEZ runs around frantically. People scream for their lives and all kinds of crashes are heard. Chaos is everywhere.)
Fade to Black.
SCENE FOUR
OVER BLACK:
NEWSCASTER (O.S.)
And in a related story, fifty thousand people were eaten and then resurrected today by a giant ten stories tall who some theologians are claiming was the Son of God. The alleged Messiah went on to sac the Vatican. Pope Bob of the Catholic Church could not be found for a comment.
The LIGHTS come up. POPE BOB, NIPPLETAP, and RODRIGUEZ sit on the ground next to each other. They look like SHIT. Their clothes are torn and DIRT is all over them. They sit silently for a few beats. They are speechless and exhausted. The POPE cradles a new bottle of JACK DANIELS to his chest. Finally he takes a huge sip and turns towards RODRIGUEZ.
POPE
You know there was one more book that started with an E. (a deliberate pause) Ezra.
RODRIGUEZ
I’ll be Goddamned.
Fade out. THE END.
BY: J-Pook
SCENE ONE.
A quiet and barren room in Vatican City. UP STAGE LEFT, CARDINAL NIPPLETAP and CARDINAL RODRIGUEZ anxiously sit at a roundtable. They are dressed in black cassets with red zucchettos (yarmulkes). A red gift bag lies at the feet of CARDINAL NIPPLETAP.
The men are high ranking members of the Catholic Church, yet something is not quite right. RODRIGUEZ seems legit- he’s an austere and well-kempt man. He speaks in a reserved, dorky manner. However, NIPPLETAP is scruffy and fashions a pony-tail. He looks more like a bookie than a man of religious life.
(NIPPLETAP and RODRIGUEZ lean towards each other and whisper. They are scheming. Then POPE BOB ENTERS from STAGE RIGHT. He walks briskly towards the two men. He takes off his bed cap and puts on his tall, white Mitre. He is wearing a white robe with a golden stole. The CARDINALS stand at attention.)
POPE
Cardinal Rodriguez, Cardinal Nippletap, what couldn’t wait til morning? What is it Guatemalan Stigmata? Crying Crucifix? Don’t tell me we got another goddamn pedophile!
NIPPLETAP
Actually, your holiness, its about Father Daniels.
POPE
Daniels? Daniels? What province?
RODRIGUEZ
(jokingly) I believe Tennessee.
NIPPLETAP
I’m sure you know him, Father Jack Daniels!!
(NIPPLETAP pulls a fifth of Jack Daniels out of his red bag.)
BOTH CARDINALS
Surprise!!
RODRIGUEZ
Happy Birthday Pope Bob!
(The Cardinals stand up and clap. POPE BOB sternly leers at the Cardinals for a few beats and then breaks into laughter.)
POPE
HO-LY SHIT! You guys are the best Cardinals a Pope could ask for. How’d you find out my birthday? No one is Vatican City knows.
NIPPLETAP
You posted it on your IM profile, Dude.
(a beat)
SexyPope 69.
POPE
Busted!! (Raising his hands in the air)
(He opens the fifth and NIPPLETAP puts some shot glasses on the table.)
POPE (CONT’D)
So what’s the game? Asshole? Kings? Or should we play “Judas, Jesus, or Draw?”
NIPPLETAP
I say we start off with a shot, you know, for the Holy Ghost.
RODRIGUEZ
I know we’re drinking, but do we have to be sacrilegious? Forgive him, Pope Bob. You know Cardinal Nippletap says things he doesn’t mean.
POPE
Rodriguez! Can it. Lets make it a double. The Pope wants to get drunk on his birthday.
(NIPPLETAP quickly pours the shots and they walk to CENTER STAGE with their shots. POPE BOB holds two shots. They raise their shot glasses.)
NIPPLETAP
To the Holy Ghost, may he be as spooky as ever.
POPE
Amen, to the Hooooooooly Ghost. Ooooh!
RODRIGUEZ
Forgive me, Father. To the Holy Ghost!
ALL
The Holy Ghost!
(They drink. The POPE and NIPPLETAP high-five. RODRIGUEZ coughs and gags.)
NIPPLETAP
Alright you two. Enough pregame. We’re gonna play a round of ABC Bible. P. B., you pick the letter.
(The MEN walk back to the TABLE, and NIPPLETAP pours everyone a drink.)
POPE
(slowly, deliberately) E. The letter is E, therefore, the book of the Bible you say must start with the letter E. The order is Me, Nippletap, then Rodriguez. Loser chugs the Jack for five seconds.
NIPPLETAP
Understood?
RODRIGUEZ
I don’t know about this.
NIPPLETAP
Go.
POPE
Exodus.
NIPPLETAP
Ezekiel.
RODRIGUEZ
(with hesitation) Ecclesiastes.
POPE
Ephesians.
NIPPLETAP
(to RODRIGUEZ) Esther.
RODRIGUEZ
Ummmm, uhhhhhhhhh.
POPE AND NIPPLETAP
Ooooooooooh!
POPE
Drink! Drink! You gotta down that Jack!
(POPE puts the fifth in front of RODRIGUEZ. POPE and NIPPLETAP down their SHOTS. RODRIGUEZ stares at the fifth.)
RODRIGUEZ
I won’t do it. There weren’t any books left in the Bible that started with E, it’s not fair.
POPE
Yes there were.
RODRIGUEZ
No there weren’t.
POPE
Yes there were, and guess what? Even if there weren’t.........I’m infallible, Hahaha, drink up!
(POPE and NIPPLETAP high five.)
RODRIGUEZ
Please guys, isn’t there something else I can do for losing. C’mon, I’ll do anything, anything, please. I have to do seven A.M. mass tomorrow.
(POPE and NIPPLETAP look at each other. They whisper quickly and then re-emerge. Right as the POPE is about to address RODRIGUEZ, NIPPLETAP grabs his arm and whispers more into his ear. The POPE smiles and turns towards RODRIGUEZ)
POPE
So you won’t drink that Jack? And you want us to forgive you for breaking the rules of the game?
RODRIGUEZ
Please, Your Holiness, I’ll do anything. I just don’t want to drink this liquor.
(NIPPLETAP nudges and nods to the POPE.)
POPE
Fair enough, we can forgive and bargain.(a beat)You’re going to prank call the Dalai Lama.
Fade to black.
SCENE TWO
The LIGHTS come up. STAGE LEFT, in a new room of the Vatican, RODRIGUEZ holds a PHONE to his ear. The CORD leads to a STOOL next to him in which the BASE of the PHONE rests and a bowl of COMMUNION sits. POPE and NIPPLETAP hover around RODRIGUEZ and hang on his every word. Both men are noticeably more inebriated and the JACK DANIELS is dwindling.
RODRIGUEZ
(into phone) No Sir, this is not a joke. They just freed Tibet.
(POPE and NIPPLETAP giggle uncontrollably.)
POPE
(to RODRIGUEZ, whispered) Give me the phone.
RODRIGUEZ quietly hands him the PHONE.
POPE
(into phone) Hey, Dalai.....this is the newly appointed Gay Episcopalian Bishop.
(He covers the PHONE while he tries to compose himself from giddy laughter.)
POPE (CONT’D)
Seriously, I just saw it on T.V., Tibet is free. (a beat) Did I mention I was the newly appointed Gay Episcopalian Bishop?
(POPE begins laughing voraciously and hangs up the phone. )
POPE (CONT’D)
(slowly) Nippletap, tell me you still have Castro’s number.
Everyone has a good laugh, even RODRIGUEZ. NIPPLETAP takes another big swig of a nearly finished fifth.
OFF-STAGE RIGHT the voice of SISTER TATTLE can be heard right getting louder and louder.
SISTER (O.S.)
Hello? Is someone awake? Hello.
(SISTER TATTLE enters STAGE RIGHT scouring the room with a FLASHLIGHT.)
SISTER (CONT’D)
It’s Sister Tattle. Is anyone there???
(They MEN frantically hide their shot glasses and the booze. POPE BOB grabs the BOWL OF COMMUNION from the STOOL and holds it casually.
POPE
Dear Sister Tattle. Over here.
(SISTER TATTLE shines the FLASHLIGHT on POPE BOB and the BOYS. She is suddenly embarrassed.)
SISTER
Oh, your Holiness, I am so sorry to disturb you. I thought a thief of some sort had entered because there was all this racket, and then I heard someone scream in a blood curdling voice “Holy Ghost.” ( a beat) Cardinal Rodriguez, Cardinal Nipple--tap. What are you doing up so late?
(THE THREE MEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER.)
NIPPLETAP
Weee-
POPE
We all had the munchies.
SISTER
Munchies?
RODRIGUEZ
Yes Ma’am, Sister Tattle we were starving.
(NIPPLETAP nods.)
NIPPLETAP
Very hungry.
SISTER
Mmm, me too, actually. What have you got to eat?
(The three MEN confusingly look at each other AGAIN.)
POPE
Jesus. We were just eating Jesus.
POPE BOB grabs a HANDFUL of COMMUNION and shoves it into his MOUTH. He widens his EYES and nods to the CARDINALS. They quickly grabs some COMMUNION and shove it in their mouths.
SISTER
(Horrified) Your Holiness, is it right to “snack” on the Bread that transubstantiates into the body of Christ?
RODRIGUEZ
(Unconvincingly) Well, in some instances; those of extreme hunger or necessity, it would be OK.
POPE
Actually these are already blessed, so they’re no longer bread, but now.........Jesus. So, it must be OK to eat Jesus because...Uhhh, Um-
NIPPLETAP
Hey, does that shadow look like the Virgin Mary to you?
(NIPPLETAP points to STAGE RIGHT. SISTER TATTLE swivels around to investigate. NIPPLETAP takes of swig of JACK and passes the fifth to POPE BOB who takes a quick sip as well.)
SISTER
Where? Which one? Which shadow?
NIPPLETAP
Whooops, it’s gone now.. Well, good night Sister Tattle.
SISTER
(Extremely confused) Have a pleasant night gentlemen.
(EXIT SISTER TATTLE STAGE RIGHT.)
The MEN bring the glasses and fifth out of hiding.
NIPPLETAP
Nice save, Pope Bob.
POPE BOB grabs another handful of CHRIST.
POPE
No problem, couldn’t let the party end early. Ya know they call her Sister Tattle-Tail for a reason. Last summer she reported to the Vatican Council that I pissed all over the toilet seat at St. Peter’s Basilica.
RODRIGUEZ
(a little agitated) So you’re the one.
POPE
Hahaha.
(NIPPLETAP take another long sip of BOOZE.)
NIPPLETAP
Pope Bob, I think I just got an idea. You said we were eating Jesus, right?
RODRIGUEZ
Blessed Eucharist is Jesus, Cardinal. What kind of a question is that?
NIPPLETAP
(to Rodriguez) Shut up, Rodney.
POPE
Yes, we as Catholics believe that when bread is blessed it becomes the body of Christ and when wine is blessed it becomes the blood of Christ. What is your point, Nippletap?
NIPPLETAP
(preaching to the POPE who sips intermittently from the fifth) You’re always talking about how we’re losing members of the Church because people see us as a boring religion. Why are we boring and archaic? Because nothing new has happened in the last two thousand years. We just sit around idly waiting for Jesus’s second coming, right? Well what if we take the initiative for once and help God out. What’s stopping us from getting a bunch of bread and wine together, blessing it, and using it to build Jesus. Everyone in the world will believe and convert if they see the second coming with their own eyes. I mean, we’ve got his body and blood, it shouldn’t be too hard to put the pieces together and build a huge Jesus.
RODRIGUEZ
How drunk are you?
POPE
(finishing a long gulp) Rodriguez, hold on. He might be on to something.
RODRIGUEZ
You aren’t seriously considering this?
POPE
(slurring) Well, Nippletap could be a visionary. I had a dream about the second coming last night. This can’t be a coincidence.
RODRIGUEZ
OK, you guys have fun. I’m going to sleep.
He begins to walk away from the POPE and NIPPLETAP.
RODRIGUEZ (CONT’D)
Haha, building Jesus out of body and blood. I’ve had enough sacrilege for one night.
EXIT RODRIGUEZ STAGE RIGHT
POPE
So how do we do it?
The POPE grabs a wafer of COMMUNION and quickly eats it.
NIPPLETAP
Alright, St. Peter’s Basilica has a full cache of bread and wine for tomorrow’s Jubilee services. They’re expecting a quarter of a million people. With that much body we could make a Jesus over a hundred feet tall by sun-up.
POPE
Let’s get to work. I’ll get more booze.
Fade to Black.
SCENE THREE
The LIGHTS come up. RODRIGUEZ is standing in behind an altar UP STAGE CENTER. He is saying mass. A rooster is heard crowing O.S.
RODRIGUEZ
(raising both arms) For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered died and was buried. On the third day he rose again in the fulfillment of the scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
(Booming footsteps suddenly get louder and louder DOWN STAGE.)
RODRIGUEZ
(shaken up, looking around for the origin of the noise) He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end.
(RODRIGUEZ turns around and looks up to see a Jesus 100 feet tall. The huge creature has a deep and awe-inspiring voice.)
JESUS #2
Rodriguez!
RODRIGUEZ
(cowering) Oh, Lord. Jesus Christ.
(turning towards the congregation, trying to be brave)
RODREGUIZ (CONT’D)
We have nothing to fear.
(to Jesus #2)
RODREGUIZ (CONT’D)
Preach to us, give us your will.
(a beat)
JESUS #2
(in a booming voice) Remember when I said ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?’
RODRIGUEZ
Yes, Lord we do.
JESUS #2
Well stop fucking eating me!!
RODRIGUEZ
Ahhh!!
(RODRIGUEZ runs around frantically. People scream for their lives and all kinds of crashes are heard. Chaos is everywhere.)
Fade to Black.
SCENE FOUR
OVER BLACK:
NEWSCASTER (O.S.)
And in a related story, fifty thousand people were eaten and then resurrected today by a giant ten stories tall who some theologians are claiming was the Son of God. The alleged Messiah went on to sac the Vatican. Pope Bob of the Catholic Church could not be found for a comment.
The LIGHTS come up. POPE BOB, NIPPLETAP, and RODRIGUEZ sit on the ground next to each other. They look like SHIT. Their clothes are torn and DIRT is all over them. They sit silently for a few beats. They are speechless and exhausted. The POPE cradles a new bottle of JACK DANIELS to his chest. Finally he takes a huge sip and turns towards RODRIGUEZ.
POPE
You know there was one more book that started with an E. (a deliberate pause) Ezra.
RODRIGUEZ
I’ll be Goddamned.
Fade out. THE END.
